An Action on Distraction

Let's get this done.

Something happened to me again that has probably happened to every driver at some point.

Let me set the stage… You’re in heavy traffic and trying to make it somewhere on time. You pull into a left-hand turn lane and wait for the light to turn green.

The arrow light turns green and the first car doesn’t move. The driver is not paying attention, most likely looking down at their phone.

People begin to get pissed off.

Then at the last possible moment, the driver realizes the light changed, makes the turn (as the arrow light is turning red) and leaves everybody else behind to wait for the light to turn green again.

Totally not fair, right?

I have an idea that will help prevent this behavior from happening.

Let’s go back to that same scenario…

The driver that wasn’t paying attention has just made their selfish last-second turn and continues on to their destination. Except now, a special traffic light camera will detect the absentminded driver’s conduct and alert a brand-new company named “RID”. RID will immediately dispatch one of their helicopters in the direction of the driver.

The skilled RID helicopter pilot will quickly locate the distracted driver and lower a giant claw down to snag the car off of the road.

Once the claw grabs the vehicle, the pilot will then fly 30 minutes in the opposite direction that the driver wanted to go.

After 30 minutes, the helicopter will lower the car down into the safest available spot.

No tickets, no fines, no suspended license… RID simply punishes the lackadaisical driver by taking away some of their most valuable currency: time.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… Patrick, you are such an innovative genius and this is great, BUT….what if the inattentive drivers who get relocated continue to be distracted and keep requiring RID helicopters to be summoned?

I’m glad you brought that up. There is a solution for that scenario as well.

If RID ends up being dispatched to a specific driver 3 times in one year, on the third occasion, the RID pilot will blow up their vehicle with a bomb (don’t worry, the driver will be politely asked to exit the vehicle before the bomb is detonated).

I think this idea is foolproof and should be implemented immediately. Besides the dangers of transporting automobiles from a dangling helicopter claw and cars being blown up near residential areas, I can’t think of anything else that could go wrong with this concept. Contact your congress representatives today!

In closing, pay attention when you’re out on the roads and drive safely. We’re all in this together.

Until next time,
Patrick